Thursday, September 3, 2009

Pirate Laws

1. A pirate dasn't ask fer directions. He relies only on his gut feelin', a compass, or a booty map.

2. Parrots be th' preferred pirate companion. Monkeys be an acceptable substitute, unless they flin' the'r bilge water at swabbies. Then they be an awesome substitute.

3. When fishin', a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use o' a hook be only acceptable in th' event th' pirate be missin' a hand.

4. Gentleman o' fortunes shall always wear boots, 'ceptin' in th' case o' a peg leg. Then one boot be acceptable. thongs be starboard ou'.

5. Gentleman o' fortunes do nay bawl, 'ceptin' in th' case o' th' loss o' a shipload o' rum.

6. When describin' th' size o' a booty, a pirate be required t' exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers be nay booty under any circumstances, unless spake flowers be made ou' o' dubloon.

7. A pirate shall nerewear lipstick, nail polish, or capri britches. Actually, that kinda goes without sayin'.

8. Nay pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include guttin' a man from stem t' stern an' spillin' his entrails.

9. A pirate ortin' ta always remove his hat in th' presence o' a bartender.

10. Durin' a swordfight, sword-fightin' insults be required. In th' event both participants be still alive at th' end o' th' swashbuckle, th' participant wi' th' superior insults shall be declared th' victor.

11. Nay pirate shall erewear a "fanny pack".

12. All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or grog. Boone`s an' other "Wench Punch" be prohibited.

13. A pirate may nerecompliment another pirate on th' softness o' his hands.

14. Nay pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless 'tis th' tooth or tusk o' an animal he killed. If in th' presence o' cannibals, a necklace be acceptable camoujolly rogere, but only if spake necklace be made o' crewmate toes.

15. Gentleman o' fortune Law: Dousin' oneself in grog be a perfectly acceptable replacement fer a shower.

16. Nay pirate shall drink Grog ou' o' a glass. Grog be only t' be consumed either straight from th' barrel, or from a mug heavy enough t' to kill a man.

17. Three-cornered hats, headbands an' bandanas be th' only acceptable headwear fer pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anythin' wi' lace an' flowers be removed from th' vessel-- hade included. A grace period o' one minute be allowed fer hats looted from a tailory.

18. A pirate shall nerewrap presents. Th' only thin' a pirate gives be a bludgerin`.

19. Gentleman o' fortune Law: A pirate dasn't use th' word "Fabulous". Ever.

20. Nay pirate shall attend a movie wi' less than an Arrrr ratin'.

21. Only a pirate be capable o' killin' another pirate. If ye be nay a pirate (e.g. a ninja) an' wish t' challenge a pirate, they be havin' a word fer that. Corpse.

22. Gentleman o' fortune Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." be a perfectly acceptable answer t' any question.

23. A pirate dasn't "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", ye mean "killing".

24. Peglegs must be made o' timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs be utterly unnacceptable, simply on accoun' o' 't complicates th' use o' th' phrase "shi'er me timbers".

25. Real pirates be havin' chest hair. If ye cannot grow chest hair, ye may be a cabin boy.

26. Under nay circumstances be a comb-o'er an acceptable pirate hairdo.

27. Nay pirate may erechange his shirt on accoun' o' 'tis "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if 'tis completely soaked in blood.

28. When drinkin', Gentleman o' fortunes may sin'. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man`s Chest" be preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs be nay allowed.

29. Nay pirate shall eredrive a minivan, unless he drives th' minivan into a tavern, fer th' purposes o' lootin' barrels o' rum from spake tavern. Upon completion o' this task, th' minivan be t' be burned. Nay exceptions.

30. Nay matter how hard 'tis rainin', two pirates may nereshare an umbrella. Gentleman o' fortunes do nay fear rain.

31.If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move an' spake swabbie may keep the'r pirate status.

32. A pirate dasn't snuggle wi' an animal, unless he be tryin' t' snap its neck. But I guess that wouldna really be "snuggling".

33. A pirate may nerewear another man`s clothin', unless he first kills that man.

34. Two pirates must nereshare a bunk or a hammock. 'Tis perfectly acceptable fer one pirate t' sleep on th' deck, or on a pile o' booty.

35. Gentleman o' fortunes do nay wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they be lookin' at a booty map, an' e'en then they be allowed only a monacle. Any comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearin' th' monacle be prohibited.

36. When settin' ou' on a voyage, a pirate dasn't pack a suitcase. He be only t' brin' what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on th' lass' aft.

37. A pirate dasn't mow th' lawn. Lawns be fer landlubbers.

38. Liftin' or removin' one`s eyepatch be extremely impolite but be nay considered an insult. `Tis jus' kinda gross. Likewise, one ortin' ta nereremove another pirate`s eyepatch, 'ceptin' wi' a sword t' th' face.

39. Gentleman o' fortunes nereuse th' words "fresh" or "feelings," an' certainly nay together (as in "I be havin' that nay-so-fresh feeling").

40. A pirate must nerevisit a tannin' salon. If he be nay already tan enough from searchin' fer booty, he hasn`t been searchin' hard enough.

41. While creativity be encouraged durin' any barfight or battle at sea, pirates may only use th' followin' types o' sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, an' particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword be strictly forbidden, unless th' Gentleman o' fortune rips off a Ninja`s arm an' hurls th' arm, an' attached Katana, as a projectile.

42. Nay pirate shall eresit on a hade seat, fer any reason.

43. Kidnappin' be an acceptable substitute fer killin', but only if 'tis fer th' purpose o' plank walkin' at a later time.

44. When swimmin', pirates do nay dive. They cannonball.

45. Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel be nay allowed t' use hearin' protection o' any sort. Nay matter what th' OSHA regulations say, if ye canna stand bleedin` from th' ears, ye be havin' nay business bein' a Gentleman o' fortune.

46. A pirate will nerewear a patch that be any other colour than black; unless 'tis halloween. Then they can wear a patch wi' an eyeball painted on th' abroadside. Polka dots be nay permitted under any circumstances.

47. Female pirates be allowed some exception t' rules concernin' hygiene an' garmentry, but must make up fer 't by usin' twice as much profanity.

48. Hooks be th' only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may nay be havin' secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, keg openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These be Gentleman o' fortunes we`re talkin' about, nay Inspector Gadget.

49. A pirate`s diet consists mainly o' meat. If at sea, an' meat be nay available, shoe leather be an acceptable replacement.

50. Gentleman o' fortune Law: Ye canna spell pirate, without "irate". Thar`s a reason fer that, so dasn't e'en try.

51. Nay pirate will ever, ereraise his pinky when drinkin' any sort o' beverage.

52. Gentleman o' fortune Law: When choosin' clothin', e'en if 't looks dirty, or smells dirty, 'tis clist.

53. A pirate may ride in a skiff, if travellin' t' or from his ship. Use o' a Kayak be only permitted if used fer cannon target practice.

54. When drinkin' rum, th' only thin' a pirate adds t' th' rum be more rum.

55. Th' official Gentleman o' fortune religion be Pastafarianism.

56. Nay pirate shall ereplay wiffle ball.

57. Under nay circumstances does a pirate speak wi' a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja an' uses his hade like a sock puppet.

58. When at th' office, answerin' th' telephone wi' "Arrrrrrr" be perfectly acceptable fer pirates. Other acceptable choices be "Avast!", an' "Ahoy Matey!"

59. A Gentleman o' fortune dasn't read poetry, unless spake poetry be scrawled on th' wall o' a hade.

60. All lasses be t' be referred t' as wenches, wi' th' exception o' female Gentleman o' fortunes, who can be referred t' as "lass".

61. Gentleman o' fortunes do nay clist up, 'ceptin' when dubloon falls ou' o' a booty chest.

62. Spillin' rum be nay acceptable, 'ceptin' in th' act o' "pourin' some ou' fer dead mate".

63. A pirate may tell any tale o' swashbucklin' without bein' called on th' details, as long as at least 51% o' th' story be true.

64. A pirate may nereshave below th' neck. Shavin' above th' neck be allowed, but only if th' pirate shaves his entire hade. In th' presence o' cannibals, a mohawk be acceptable.

65. Nay pirate may do th' arm movements fer "YMCA", or engage in country-western line-dancin'.

66. Gentleman o' fortunes do nay say "please" or "thank ye". Th' phrase "Arrr, I`ll probably kill ye next high tide'" be an acceptable alternative fer "Thank ye".

67. Ortin' ta th' ship`s bow be havin' a carvin' o' a nekked wench, mermaid, or somethin' o' th' like, crew members ortin't touch 't. Feelin' up a wooden statue be unbecomin' o' a pirate.

68. Gentleman o' fortunes do nay "IM". Th' only instant message allowed be a sword through th' chest.

69. Dental Hygiene fer Gentleman o' fortunes be nay a priority. Ortin' ta thar be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as bung holewash. Anythin' "minty fresh" be strictly forbidden.

70. Gentleman o' fortunes never, ereobey laws. Period. Ironic, I reckon.

......... An' finally, ..... How do ye know if ye be a pirate?. Ye jus' ..... "Arrrrrrrr"...

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