Thursday, September 3, 2009

Pirate Laws

1. A pirate dasn't ask fer directions. He relies only on his gut feelin', a compass, or a booty map.

2. Parrots be th' preferred pirate companion. Monkeys be an acceptable substitute, unless they flin' the'r bilge water at swabbies. Then they be an awesome substitute.

3. When fishin', a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use o' a hook be only acceptable in th' event th' pirate be missin' a hand.

4. Gentleman o' fortunes shall always wear boots, 'ceptin' in th' case o' a peg leg. Then one boot be acceptable. thongs be starboard ou'.

5. Gentleman o' fortunes do nay bawl, 'ceptin' in th' case o' th' loss o' a shipload o' rum.

6. When describin' th' size o' a booty, a pirate be required t' exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers be nay booty under any circumstances, unless spake flowers be made ou' o' dubloon.

7. A pirate shall nerewear lipstick, nail polish, or capri britches. Actually, that kinda goes without sayin'.

8. Nay pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include guttin' a man from stem t' stern an' spillin' his entrails.

9. A pirate ortin' ta always remove his hat in th' presence o' a bartender.

10. Durin' a swordfight, sword-fightin' insults be required. In th' event both participants be still alive at th' end o' th' swashbuckle, th' participant wi' th' superior insults shall be declared th' victor.

11. Nay pirate shall erewear a "fanny pack".

12. All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or grog. Boone`s an' other "Wench Punch" be prohibited.

13. A pirate may nerecompliment another pirate on th' softness o' his hands.

14. Nay pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless 'tis th' tooth or tusk o' an animal he killed. If in th' presence o' cannibals, a necklace be acceptable camoujolly rogere, but only if spake necklace be made o' crewmate toes.

15. Gentleman o' fortune Law: Dousin' oneself in grog be a perfectly acceptable replacement fer a shower.

16. Nay pirate shall drink Grog ou' o' a glass. Grog be only t' be consumed either straight from th' barrel, or from a mug heavy enough t' to kill a man.

17. Three-cornered hats, headbands an' bandanas be th' only acceptable headwear fer pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anythin' wi' lace an' flowers be removed from th' vessel-- hade included. A grace period o' one minute be allowed fer hats looted from a tailory.

18. A pirate shall nerewrap presents. Th' only thin' a pirate gives be a bludgerin`.

19. Gentleman o' fortune Law: A pirate dasn't use th' word "Fabulous". Ever.

20. Nay pirate shall attend a movie wi' less than an Arrrr ratin'.

21. Only a pirate be capable o' killin' another pirate. If ye be nay a pirate (e.g. a ninja) an' wish t' challenge a pirate, they be havin' a word fer that. Corpse.

22. Gentleman o' fortune Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." be a perfectly acceptable answer t' any question.

23. A pirate dasn't "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", ye mean "killing".

24. Peglegs must be made o' timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs be utterly unnacceptable, simply on accoun' o' 't complicates th' use o' th' phrase "shi'er me timbers".

25. Real pirates be havin' chest hair. If ye cannot grow chest hair, ye may be a cabin boy.

26. Under nay circumstances be a comb-o'er an acceptable pirate hairdo.

27. Nay pirate may erechange his shirt on accoun' o' 'tis "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if 'tis completely soaked in blood.

28. When drinkin', Gentleman o' fortunes may sin'. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man`s Chest" be preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs be nay allowed.

29. Nay pirate shall eredrive a minivan, unless he drives th' minivan into a tavern, fer th' purposes o' lootin' barrels o' rum from spake tavern. Upon completion o' this task, th' minivan be t' be burned. Nay exceptions.

30. Nay matter how hard 'tis rainin', two pirates may nereshare an umbrella. Gentleman o' fortunes do nay fear rain.

31.If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move an' spake swabbie may keep the'r pirate status.

32. A pirate dasn't snuggle wi' an animal, unless he be tryin' t' snap its neck. But I guess that wouldna really be "snuggling".

33. A pirate may nerewear another man`s clothin', unless he first kills that man.

34. Two pirates must nereshare a bunk or a hammock. 'Tis perfectly acceptable fer one pirate t' sleep on th' deck, or on a pile o' booty.

35. Gentleman o' fortunes do nay wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they be lookin' at a booty map, an' e'en then they be allowed only a monacle. Any comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearin' th' monacle be prohibited.

36. When settin' ou' on a voyage, a pirate dasn't pack a suitcase. He be only t' brin' what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on th' lass' aft.

37. A pirate dasn't mow th' lawn. Lawns be fer landlubbers.

38. Liftin' or removin' one`s eyepatch be extremely impolite but be nay considered an insult. `Tis jus' kinda gross. Likewise, one ortin' ta nereremove another pirate`s eyepatch, 'ceptin' wi' a sword t' th' face.

39. Gentleman o' fortunes nereuse th' words "fresh" or "feelings," an' certainly nay together (as in "I be havin' that nay-so-fresh feeling").

40. A pirate must nerevisit a tannin' salon. If he be nay already tan enough from searchin' fer booty, he hasn`t been searchin' hard enough.

41. While creativity be encouraged durin' any barfight or battle at sea, pirates may only use th' followin' types o' sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, an' particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword be strictly forbidden, unless th' Gentleman o' fortune rips off a Ninja`s arm an' hurls th' arm, an' attached Katana, as a projectile.

42. Nay pirate shall eresit on a hade seat, fer any reason.

43. Kidnappin' be an acceptable substitute fer killin', but only if 'tis fer th' purpose o' plank walkin' at a later time.

44. When swimmin', pirates do nay dive. They cannonball.

45. Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel be nay allowed t' use hearin' protection o' any sort. Nay matter what th' OSHA regulations say, if ye canna stand bleedin` from th' ears, ye be havin' nay business bein' a Gentleman o' fortune.

46. A pirate will nerewear a patch that be any other colour than black; unless 'tis halloween. Then they can wear a patch wi' an eyeball painted on th' abroadside. Polka dots be nay permitted under any circumstances.

47. Female pirates be allowed some exception t' rules concernin' hygiene an' garmentry, but must make up fer 't by usin' twice as much profanity.

48. Hooks be th' only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may nay be havin' secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, keg openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These be Gentleman o' fortunes we`re talkin' about, nay Inspector Gadget.

49. A pirate`s diet consists mainly o' meat. If at sea, an' meat be nay available, shoe leather be an acceptable replacement.

50. Gentleman o' fortune Law: Ye canna spell pirate, without "irate". Thar`s a reason fer that, so dasn't e'en try.

51. Nay pirate will ever, ereraise his pinky when drinkin' any sort o' beverage.

52. Gentleman o' fortune Law: When choosin' clothin', e'en if 't looks dirty, or smells dirty, 'tis clist.

53. A pirate may ride in a skiff, if travellin' t' or from his ship. Use o' a Kayak be only permitted if used fer cannon target practice.

54. When drinkin' rum, th' only thin' a pirate adds t' th' rum be more rum.

55. Th' official Gentleman o' fortune religion be Pastafarianism.

56. Nay pirate shall ereplay wiffle ball.

57. Under nay circumstances does a pirate speak wi' a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja an' uses his hade like a sock puppet.

58. When at th' office, answerin' th' telephone wi' "Arrrrrrr" be perfectly acceptable fer pirates. Other acceptable choices be "Avast!", an' "Ahoy Matey!"

59. A Gentleman o' fortune dasn't read poetry, unless spake poetry be scrawled on th' wall o' a hade.

60. All lasses be t' be referred t' as wenches, wi' th' exception o' female Gentleman o' fortunes, who can be referred t' as "lass".

61. Gentleman o' fortunes do nay clist up, 'ceptin' when dubloon falls ou' o' a booty chest.

62. Spillin' rum be nay acceptable, 'ceptin' in th' act o' "pourin' some ou' fer dead mate".

63. A pirate may tell any tale o' swashbucklin' without bein' called on th' details, as long as at least 51% o' th' story be true.

64. A pirate may nereshave below th' neck. Shavin' above th' neck be allowed, but only if th' pirate shaves his entire hade. In th' presence o' cannibals, a mohawk be acceptable.

65. Nay pirate may do th' arm movements fer "YMCA", or engage in country-western line-dancin'.

66. Gentleman o' fortunes do nay say "please" or "thank ye". Th' phrase "Arrr, I`ll probably kill ye next high tide'" be an acceptable alternative fer "Thank ye".

67. Ortin' ta th' ship`s bow be havin' a carvin' o' a nekked wench, mermaid, or somethin' o' th' like, crew members ortin't touch 't. Feelin' up a wooden statue be unbecomin' o' a pirate.

68. Gentleman o' fortunes do nay "IM". Th' only instant message allowed be a sword through th' chest.

69. Dental Hygiene fer Gentleman o' fortunes be nay a priority. Ortin' ta thar be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as bung holewash. Anythin' "minty fresh" be strictly forbidden.

70. Gentleman o' fortunes never, ereobey laws. Period. Ironic, I reckon.

......... An' finally, ..... How do ye know if ye be a pirate?. Ye jus' ..... "Arrrrrrrr"...

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Cap'n Sinsi's Advice - Be I abnormal?

Hey Cap'n o' Sea Dogs,

I be a dumb lout who neither understands what swabbies be sayin', nor knows how t' make them understand me. Be I abnormal? Be everythin' wrong wi' me or be thar any chance that somethin' be wrong wi' th' swabbies as well?


Hey Ya Scurvy Cur,

I think most o' us feel like we be nay bein' heard, so welcome t' th' Sea world. As fer who be wrong an' who's starboard, th' rule be, when in doubt they be wrong an' ye lout, be so right.

Cap'n Sinsi

Cap'n Sinsi's Advice - I Can't Avast Drinkin' Rum

Hey Ye Coward Cap'n,

I can't avast drinkin' Rum. Ever' time I go t' the drinkshop I get Rum. I be havin' started t' hate drinkshop on accoun' o' th' rum be always thar. I be really worried. My Mom be worried too.


Dear Mmmmm Scurvy Dog,

Slurp. Cap'n can't avast drinkin' Rum either. Ye've got me thar an' I be sorry t' admit that thar be some things e'en Cap'n can't fix.

Cap'n Sinsi

Cap'n Sinsi's Advice - My Husband Be Actin' Like An Infamous Scallywag

Hey Cap'n,

Me husband has a crush on Charlez Theron. I be jealous.


Dear Give 't right back,

Arrey why be ye jealous? Ye develope a crush on Jack Sparrow. Swoon visibly when ye be seein' Jack on telly an' yer hubby be seated within viewin' distance. Try 't… 'its soooo much fun.

Cap'n Sinsi

Cap'n Sinsi's Advice - My Cousin Be A Sorry Lout

Dear Cap'n Sinsi,

I be a 19-voyage-old-pirate girl. A cousin o' mine who be a voyage younger t' me keeps copyin' me. She does everythin' I do. When we go t' a restaurant, she orders th' same meal as me. WhatereI buy she has t' buy. At me lassie's weddin' she wore th' same clothes as me an' got th' same hairstyle. I wouldna be shipmates wi' th' lass' if she wasn't me cousin, but me mom keeps tellin' me that I be havin' t' involve th' lass' in everythin' I do. I think she be a sorry lout 'cz she ends up copyin' me ever' single time. I feel like screamin' at th' lass', but me parents avast me. She be such a bug. 't bothers me that some swabbies be so dim-witted an' can't decide fer they's self.


Dear Flatter yersef,

Thar be two ways o' lookin' at ever' problem. Ye can be all negative an' resentful an' cramp yer own style an' yer facial expression. Or ye can use th' fact that ye be bein' copied t' flatter yersef about yer wonderful sense o' style. Ahoy, 't happens t' celebrities all th' time.

An' anyway, e'en while wearin' th' same thin', ye know that ye still look different from yer look alike. So cap'n suggests that ye chill, avast worryin' about why she be sooo insecure an' start flatterin' yersef.

Cap'n Sinsi

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Is Campus Crime an issue in Karachi?

Today I read about the British foreign minister saying that there are many bogus colleges in UK... !! Keep this in mind if you see an ad. somewhere or get a spam...!!!! As for campus crimes, I think atleast in karachi, private-college/uni students don't need to worry at all.. it's all safe here... some hostel'ites do have pistols but it's because they are new to the city and feel less secure (and btw some of them think keeping a pistol make them look cool - heck!! it's not a guitar)... In the government educational institues, especially in Karachi University, students join political partiies at the time when they're new and looking for people to talk to because it's at this time that the party members come to them and ask them to join their parties. They think that they're more secure that way... And then there is always a tussle between the two well-known-for-violence parties, Jamiat and MQM(APMSO). Whenever we hear abt any act of campus-violence it has some connection with any of the two parties.

I've not heard about any act of violence in my university (IBA), except for when a guy had punch a girl in her face when she'd said something intolerable to him. I don't know what happened to the guy afterwards, but it became a popular story in the uni...!!! Our "female" teacher (let alone the girls) was also laughing when she heard that. No homosexuals and No gays here, not atleast anyone I know about, no rape scene ofcourse.. and not even ragging - 10,000 Rupees fine isn't worth it. We have good pschology teachers who are always available in the counselling hours, though some of them need lessons on student-nature. Four students got dropped from my class last semester, none committed suicide. Last year when a student of LUMS had committed suicide, all the parents were like " Never let studies drive you crazy, if you can't stand exam pressure, just chill around" so it helped students in a way. All other universities in Karachi are more or less similar. Welcome to karachi.

Campus Crime is not an issue in Pakistan. The only issue is Zardari.. and just a few minutes ago I read on someone's status that our democratic government has put a ban on anti-government(anti-zardari) sms or emails. So, if you're sending an sms during a lecture and it has anti-govt content, then it might come under Campus crimes...!!!
Second Opinion:
Campus crimes are a very very big issue in pakistan. Barring a few elitiest universities, its a part of life. Let me quote u a few personal examples when i was in SM commerce college.
Once I saw an APMSO dude minus his vest and shirt. When I looked behind him, it occured to me that someone had driven a knife a few times in his back, but not too deeply because he was good and mad. It was an APMSO an pakhtunkhwa students federation clash. A few days later the APMSO got its back when I saw a PKSF student with lots of blood where his nose shouold have been. A few days later we were sitting on the terrace and a few PKSF people came and divested us of our savings for 'chanda'. Then once when we were sitting in burns garden, the IJT an the ATI islamist groups went to war. There was a heavy gun fire with a bunch of pre-schoolers who had come to the meuseam at burns garden cought in the cross fire. I saw an IJT student opened fire on an ATI dude. Luckily the pistol was desi. By the time he got it to work, the ATI chap was far away. Later when the police came we suddenly realised that we were all SM students and the police was arresting those indiscriminately so we tried to get into the meususm. The police guard at the meuseum had ran away. We threatened to break the meusuem windows if we were not shaltered there from the police.
Those days SM college was one of the most peaceful colleges around next to Dj. Clashes between the two colleges were also common. Classes were disrupted at random. Other colleges were much much worse. The Karachi university ruitinely has students being killed in clashes, while the IJT's islamist student's militia has made life a living hell for universities all over the country. From PU to Bahudeen zakaria, they beat up 'couples', smash music eqipment, disrupt musical evenings and now increasingly armed clashes day in day out.
Response to the Second Opinion:
Yes in govt colleges it's a big issue, in private institutions it doesn't exist. I remember when I was in DJ, we were sitting near the back gate, filling out our enrollment form. It was then that a landrover entered from the main gate and stepped out two APMSO students (supposedly armed) who had come to hit a Jamiat dude who with his supporters ran away immediately and all other students also left the campus right away. The police mobile which was supposed to be there was missing, so one could say that they might have informed the police before entering the college premises. A few days later a teacher was slapped by some APMSO dude and as ridiiculous as it is, the entire college was closed for three days in protest against the political party. These were the two of the three days that I actually went to the college. So, yes Violence is a part of govt. institutes.
I think the problem is in the entire system. The administration can't fix these issues because it is corrupt itself. Teachers are often found sleeping in the faculty room. They give tuitions to college students which I think is not allowed. If teachers and the administration themselves are corrupt how can they expect students to follow rules. And it's tempting for a student to join a political party who knows that the administration just can't do anything for him if he falls in any trouble.By "universities in Karachi" I mean all private institutes in karachi.
Violence is a part of many private colleges too, but it's very easy for one to save oneself from it. I mean, nothing is forced upon anyone. If you punch somone then you can definitely expect a kick in return.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Aptitude Test Maths

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Quick Math:

Learn the following fractions and you will be able to solve quick math problems without calculator.
2/3=0.6666 ( See Example Q below)






You have to rote-memorize these fractions to be able to solve quick-math problems.

Example Q: 9 X 0.6666 = ?

A= 7.3636
B= 6
C= 8.4224
D= 6.6

Solution: 9 X 0.6666= 9 X 2/3 = 6

Q. Increase:

60 by 35%
60 X 135/100 = 81

28 by 125%
28 X 225/100 = 63


Q. Decrease:

32 by 25%
=32 X (100-25)/100
=32 X 75/100

216 by 37.5%

=216 X (100-37.5)/100
=216 X 62.5/100


Q. What number when increase by 15% becomes 161?

Let a be the required number

a X 115/100 = 161

a= 161 X 100/115

a= 140


Math Shortcuts:

When Multiplying a number by 5:

68 X 5 = ?
=68 X 5
=68 X 10/2
When dividing a number by 5:
260/5 = ?
=260/10 X 2
Take the original number and imagine a space between the two digits
Q. 52 X 11

Now add the two numbers together and put them in the middle:

If the numbers in the middle add up to a 2 digit number, just insert the second number and add 1 to the first:

Quick Square:

If you need to square a 2 digit number ending in 5, you can do so very easily with this trick. Mulitply the first digit by itself + 1, and put 25 on the end.
Q. 25^2
= 25^2
= _25
= 2(2+1)_25
= 2(3)_25
= 625
Q. 35^2
= 35^2
= _25
= 3(3+1)_25
Tough Multiplication:

If you have a large number to multiply and one of the numbers is even, you can easily subdivide to get to the answer:
32 X 125 = ?

32 x 125, is the same as:
16 x 250 is the same as:
8 x 500 is the same as:
4 x 1000 = 4,000
Problem Solving:

Q- The workers of an electronic company were given an increase of 8% of their monthly salaries. If Mr. Leoni Messi earned $600 per month originally, find his salary after the increment.


=600 X 108/100


Mr. Leoni Messi's salary after increment is 864. Find his orginal salary.


= 864 X 100/108

= 800


Q. A man invests 40% of his savings in the stock market. He invests 50% of the remainder in property and deposits the remaining balance in a bank's savings account. If this last amount is $15000, what was his total savings?


40% in Stock Market. Remainder is 60%.

50% of the remainder (60%) is 30% which he invested in property. The remaining 30% is $15000.


1%= 15000/30

1%= 500

100%= $50000


This Post is under development.

How to give Admission Interview

Salman Gaffar
Anees Hussain

The Interview / Group Discussion (GD) process is a VERY IMPORTANT part of the admission process. Through it, universities wish to ensure that the people they choose are of a certain caliber, and will survive the rigors of work. Hence the qualities that universities look for are:

1. Intelligence
2. Confidence
3. Knowledge
4. Respect for others' opinions
5. Creativity
6. A clear vision and ability to set objectives

You may possess none, some or all of the above. It is almost impossible to fool an experienced interviewer. Think about it – the guy taking your interview has probably met hundreds (if not thousands) of people who wanted to take admission. He's probably taught many of them too. So you may think that you are super-cool, but he sure as hell doesn't think so.

Now do the following:

1. Dress smartly:

Guys should wear a tie, dress pants & shirt. If you normally keep a beard, make sure it is in order. If you shave, then shave. Get a hair cut if your hair hasn't been cut for a while. Your clothes should be understated – which means nothing flashy. Girls – You know how to dress smartly. Just do what you do best. Don't overdo the makeup, but don't under-do it either. A small amount of jewelry (nothing flashy) should do. Look like an executive.

2. Group Discussion:

You may be divided into groups of 15 to 20. You will be given a topic, and each candidate will be required to speak on it for a minute each. The first person will get a couple of minutes to think about it before he starts speaking. Do the following:

A) Think of 5 important points that you can talk about on the topic

B) Pick a side – either FOR or AGAINST.

C) Think with your heads, not your hearts. So regardless of what your emotions say, be practical. Choose the side based on how many points you have in your head in favour or against.

D) If you have 5 points on the topic, spending 10 to 12 seconds on each will ensure that you can use the entire one minute to make your case.

E) Remember, you MUST speak for the entire minute. Anything less will not do….

F) Once the individual speeches are made, the entire floor is opened for discussion. Here you must try to take lead and get your point across first. Again, be practical rather than emotional. Be controlled – don't be an aggressive jerk. Use words like "I agree with your opinion – however consider this alternative point of view…." Or "My friend has raised an important issue here, and to further this line of reasoning, consider that….."

G) If you are told not to say anything further, don't worry – that's normal and probably a better thing to happen. Now you can sit back and relax, and enjoy the show. Remember – do not say anything further after you have been asked to shut up.

H) If you have an excellent educational background or a great test score, they shouldn't bother you with too many questions.

I) They will probably ask you something like "Tell us about yourself" – that is an excellent question to be asked. You can win the interview in this question. Start by introducing yourself, a short summary of your educational background, and a full thesis of what you want to achieve in the future. If you can show that you are ABSOLUTELY clear about what you want to achieve in the future, you can really impress them.

J) Another important thing to talk about is what motivates you and what drives you. You can tell them about the people who have had a positive impact in your life – they can be parents, relatives or family friends. Don't talk about super heroes or friends your age (who cannot really have achieved much in life).

K) Why BBA/BCS/BE/IT? That's easy - there are many reasons why one would pursue any degree – it is sought after, it is a sure shot to a fantastic career, it will allow you to follow up with an MBA which is a great degree, etc etc.

L) Questions such as "Your favourite subject" can be a blessing, as long as you are prepared for answering questions on that favourite subject.

M) If the interviewer is trying to anger you or is replying in negative to all that you are saying even though you know what you are saying is right, then control yourself. This guy is acting this way only to see if you can maintain your cool under pressure. React with a nice smile, and say something like: "Sir – you are probably correct in most of the things that you have said. However, according to my information, the following are correct….." For additional effect, add something like : "However, my information could have become outdated – and thus I will review it later".

N) If they ask you a General Knowledge question and you do not know the answer to it, then simply reply : "I have not come across this information / event". No point in trying to guess some thing that you have no idea of. If you know part of it, you can mention that.

O) If you are a good mind reader, try to decipher what is happening inside this person's head. Sometimes, little things in the demeanor can give you an idea of what a person is thinking.

P) At all times, maintain your cool. Do not give smart ass answers such as "I have come here to do my BBA, not to join the Army" if they ask you how many countries lie on the border of Pakistan. Answer questions with honesty and integrity, not brashness or over-confidence.

To me, a great interview requires the following:

1. Making a rapport with the interviewer. Try to exude a positive attitude, and it will be noticed by the interviewer. Show respect, and you will get respect.

2. Keeping the answers crisp and to the point. However, whenever you get the opportunity, take it to talk about your strengths and achievements.

3. Ensuring that the interviewer understands that you have a vision of your future.

Good Luck

Notice By Human Resource Department

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
A) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
B) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
C) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year -Wow! Said 1 employee- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.
A) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
B) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
C) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, chargesWill be deducted from your salary.
- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.
Best Regards,

Monday, June 8, 2009

Management Versus Engineering

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, canyou help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am", replied the man."How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"

Two Little Boys

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would peak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time".

GOD is missing, and they think we did it !!!!!!!!!!!!

College Admission Essay

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week;when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in SriLanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Why Bill Gates sold off Microsoft

The letter is from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a new computer for our home, and we have found some problems which I want to bring to your notice.
  1. There is a button 'start', but there is not 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
  2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked it and he ran up to Amritsar. So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.
  3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in the system? I find only 're-cycle' but I own a scooter at my home.
  4. There is a 'find' button, but it's not functioning properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot to trace the door key with this 'find' button, but were unable to trace it. Please rectify this problem
  5. My child learnt 'Microsoft Word', but now he wants to learn 'Microsoft Sentence'. So when will you provide that?
  6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon that shows 'My computer'. When will you provide the remaining items ?
  7. It is surprising that windows says 'My Pictures', but there is not even a single picture of mine. So, when will you keep my pictures in that?
  8. There is 'Microsoft Office'. What about 'Microsoft Home' since I use the PC at home only?
  9. You provided 'My Recent Documents', when will you provide 'My Past Documents' ?
  10. You provided 'My Network Places'. Please for God sake do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want my wife to know where I go after office hours.



And one last question Mr. Gates,

Sir how is it that you name is 'Gates' but you are selling 'windows' ?